The reincarnated zombie museum

“Dream a dream and see what a dream can be.” So said the all-knowing Boober Fraggle.

So here I go again in the midst of a streak of odd dreams. I am in NY and going museum hopping. Seems there’s a museum for everything these days. So I go into this museum/gift shop-like thing and speak to the curator/owner/inventor of this new thing. Apparently, the norm is that people are reincarnated, but if they miss the look of their old self, this woman has found a way of exhuming the corpse and making a cast of the head and fixing it to the now living person’s head. Problem with this… where do I begin? Well first off, she has not tweaked the look of the new mask mold. Bug holes, missing noses, etc. are common place. Next is that it’s not at all blended with the person’s head. It’s just kinda stuck on with Elmer’s or something. You can clearly see where the shriveled, rotted-textured face ends and the new actual skin begins.

This woman is the pride of New York because I guess no one has thought of such a thing as to bring back the look the person once had. In her museum that was the size of the average mall store, were masks of dead famous and non-famous people she had managed to get her hands on. Stuff on the walls… it was rather grotesque, but I seemed to be the only one that thought so. Wasn’t a very popular museum. I was there freaked out but enthralled at the same time that people thought so highly of this crudely made innovation, all the while thinking to myself, why didn’t she fill in the face holes?!?!

The most clear part of my dream was this woman who came right up to me and without a greeting, pointed to her head and proudly said, “This is me!… Well, it was.” The woman’s face was the epitome of asymmetrical. I tried my hardest to give a “how lovely but not really” smile. Didn’t wanna let her down. She was so nice.

I leave the museum and walk down this rainbowy State Street T station-like tunnel. The tunnel is painted all around with a dead mask collage. I guess the woman wanted to hype people up for her new landmark discovery. Unfortunately, I must’ve missed it on the way in. When I got out of the tunnel, low and behold I find another store selling a rip-off of this woman’s masks. I guess the zombie look has become quite trendy and has taken off in NYC. So I look around in this other store, but can’t remember much of it. I think I woke up soon after that cause I don’t remember much more. I only remember something about Snoopy brand perfume and someone stealing it from me. Who would do such a thing? That’s all for my dream though. I know at some random time tomorrow, another part of this dream is going to shoot into my head.

Strange how you can never tell when you have these dreams. I can’t tell if I dreamt all of this in one night, or parts were from other dreams weeks or years ago. So confusing.

But the one thing I thought of when I woke up was “This is me!… Well, it was.” Nice lady. Glad she was happy with her purchase. So hard to be these days.

Just an odd feeling

Dunno if any of you can relate to this, but I figured I’d write it anyway. I feel like I just opened a time capsule. Way back when I was like 10, I had this kiddie desk in my room. When I cleaned my room to put my computer in, I moved it to my mom’s room cause she used it to stack stuff on. Being the lazy kid I was, I never got a chance to clean it out. I just put it off till later. All along it had been in my mom’s room where she kept stuff. So recently she moved it into the computer room and just right now I went through it to clean it.

There is stuff in there from when I was 6 years old. Holy crap. It’s just weird, the stuff I was into. (It’s all so clear why I was picked on in school.) It’s just the weirdest thing to go through stuff and read letters I got when I was 6 to 10.

Even weirder was that I turned my chair around to write this. I’m in kiddie mode back in the mid-80s and then I turn around to use the Internet. That was just weird. Very weird feeling. One minute I’m playing with my jacks and Alf cards and then I’m opening an IM window. Creepy.

Worst job ever!

No, unfortunately this doesn’t mean I have a job. I just thought I’d clear that up before I continue.

So before today, I had always thought Tony’s “cleaning up after a proctologist exam” job was the worst I’d ever heard of. Today’s story takes the cake.

I’m in the lab and Lauren and I got to talking about odd candies. (She works at Godiva.) She said recently a friend at work turned traitor and went to the cheap candy store at the Pru. There she bought these. http://jellybelly.com/Cultures/en-US/Fun/Flavor+Guides/Bertie+Botts+Flavor+Guide.htm

If you’ll notice, there are flavors such as booger, vomit, ear wax, etc. According to Lauren, who tried these (AUGHHHHHH, is all I can say to that) they’re pretty dead on, as we know Jelly Bellies to be. You’ll have to take it up with her as to how she knows that they’re dead on.

Anyway, it makes sense to say that a man who works at the Jelly Belly flavor invention department, let’s say making pina colada jelly beans, has a pina colada handy to compare to how the flavor mix tastes. He keeps tasting and comparing until the flavor is as identical as it can get and the beans go to press so to speak.

Now we have things like snot, vomit, and ear wax. I’m picturing Mr. Man here, sitting at his mixing bowl with a mixing spoon in his right hand and a finger full of snot in his left hand. Lauren said to add to the effect, the bean even had the chewy consistency of snot. On the bright side, I guess giving your kid a bag of beans is a better alternative to having them eat their own snot if they’re into that sort of thing.

Then we have the vomit-flavored bean. Lauren said this tastes very acidy. That is just sick. I’m picturing a bulemic, Calista Flockhart-like lady overseeing this department. “No, no, no! I’m the expert in vomit-tasting, and I say that needs more acid!”

And then the ear wax one. I for one, have never known anyone who has ever eaten their ear wax. (Maybe I do, and if I do, they haven’t told me.) I had known kids back in kindergarten and see little brats recently digging for nose gold then sucking on their fingers. But I have never seen anyone eat ear wax. Sorry to beat the dead horse, but that really disgusted me.

Lauren said, out of all the nasty things there, the worst one is sardine. It really tastes like fish and she almost puked. Maybe they use a whole domino-effect thing there where the vomit department has a stash of sardine on hand to help make their beans.

Apparently, this line of Jelly Belly is booming. Go figure. As gross as I was as a kid, I only went to the extent of collecting Garbage Pail Kids and eating gummy insects, and they didn’t taste like insects. What ever happened to the good old days?

Kara’s toothbrush rant

What ever happened to good old square shaped toothbrushes with straight handles?

This past weekend I left my toothbrush and stuff in NH so I had to go to CVS and buy new things. So I’m in the dental hygiene aisle and am looking for a toothbrush. I couldn’t find a normal one anywhere. I’m looking for a Colgate, Reach, Oral-B, generic, anything plain toothbrush.

So I decide on this over-priced Colgate brush with a fat handle and spread-out bristles. I am not happy. I tried it when I got home and barely any bristles make contact with my teeth. So I’m left brushing twice as long. Says it’s more efficient cause it reaches more surface at once, but when it doesn’t cover that surface, what’s the point? On top of it, it topples over when I sit it down and I can’t put it in the average toothbrush holder ’cause the handle’s too fat.

Ya know, I’m just looking right now at what I’m writing and I sound insane, so I’ll stop right now… and buy a new toothbrush tomorrow.

Dreams are weird.

Strange how you can dream and then go all day and the next few days without even knowing you dreamt anything. And then all of a sudden, you can be clicking around, organizing your desktop icons and the dream that’s totally unrelated to desktop icons pops into your head.

It was kind of a shopping mall rampage killing theme. These giant robot monsters were chasing us (us being me and people I don’t know in real life) and the only way to kill them was to stab them with something. This meant we had to use our brains and run into stores that sold cutlery with which to kill the monsters. The obvious solution was the cutlery store, but then also Target, Sears, etc., whoever has a kitchen department. We’d get the steak knives or whatever from the store and come back out into the atrium, which is the only place the monsters were rampaging, and kill them there.

I love it. Only in dreams can you come out of Target with a little set of $9.99 steak knives and by the time you need to kill something, they’ve grown to the size of knight swords. 🙂

I recall even breaking off the end of the spear on the statue of this guy on a horse that was mounted on the fountain in the center of the atrium. Holy crap, did I use enough prepositional phrases in that sentence?

It was kind of like a two part game. The malls were back-to-back kind of like Copley and the Pru. Once I killed the monsters in one mall, I went to the other mall just to find more monsters. This was one of the funnest dreams I’ve had in a long time.

I’ll write about my dream last night when I remember it. All I know is it was about something freaky cause I woke up and didn’t really want to go back to sleep, but I don’t know what it was about. Oh well.

Excuse me while I vent

Ahhhhh!! So I went on the mother of all stupid interviews today. Again, I should’ve gone with my first inclination and not gone on the interview at all. It was way out in Lynn. That was the first problem. I had to cut out from the service group early to do this interview. I said in the morning, I hope I don’t get the job cause I really don’t want this one. I don’t want the job, but I was hoping for it to be a productive interview, a learning experience if you will, and was it ever. But of course not like I had expected.

Like my last dumb interview, I’m just going cause I already made the appointment and don’t want to stand her up after she had prepared for it. So I go. Tim and Arthur drop me off by Central Sq. Lynn so I can take the bus over to Chestnut Street about a mile or so away. I get lost, of course, trying to find the bus terminal. I find it and am on my way out to wherever this place is. I get there and I’m like 1/2 hour early. They accept me in early.

Now, it’s clear this woman is NOT prepared for this interview. She asks how much experience I’ve had. I say, “Around 5 years.” She’s like, “How can that be when you graduated in 2002?… Oh my, I can see I didn’t read your cover letter as thoroughly as I should have.” She continues to say, “I was looking for someone with a lot more experience.” It was clear, from that point, the interview was pretty much over. But she made a feeble attempt to drag its life on another couple of agonizing minutes. After about 10 seconds of silence, she says, “I… I don’t know what to say.” She must’ve uttered that a good 5 times throughout the course of this less-than-10-minute interview. I felt like I was watching a George Bush interview. Enough “um’s” and “uh’s” and stumbling words to make even George shake his head in disbelief. I kid you not. If anyone had seen clips of Bush’s interview with Diane Sawyer, I felt like I was reliving that. Yes, it’s an unrehearsed interview, but he should pretty much have guessed the questions that will be asked and prepared his answers in advance if he couldn’t improv well. In this woman’s case, even without the preparation, just spit out the boring default interview things people say.

Anyway, she then says, “Do you have your portfolio to show me?” I think to myself, “Why should I even bother?” but I say, “It’s online.” (This lady really didn’t read my resume.) Then she goes on to criticize the fact that I didn’t bring a print portfolio in. I tell her, one doesn’t exist because I canned it for the web portfolio. She asks how many interviews I’d been on to which I say, several. She says, “And none have expected a print portfolio?” Apparently, she didn’t expect me to say, “No, none of them have.”

“Uhm… uhh…”

“All places have expected a web portfolio from me. I just figured it’s a given to show that, and if prints are expected, it would be specified.”

“Well, I’m not here to argue about this. Let’s just see what you have online.”

I don’t know why I let this continue this long, but here is where things start to get stupid. Here is the point where I’m seeing that this woman is clearly not the brightest crayon in the box. She goes to my site and clicks over to the print section. First, she starts complaining that I have only four pieces there. I’ve learned that for a portfolio, print or web, you don’t want to put everything you’ve ever done and show like 50+ pieces. Just a little bit of everything will get across the idea of what kind of designer you are. Adding too many samples is a bad thing which I’ve been told a million times.

Next thing is I’ve had computer illiterates look at my site — people who have limited Internet skills and they have no problem navigating their way around the site. This woman had no idea what she was doing. She didn’t know to click the arrows and numbers at the bottom to shuffle around to different pages, etc. This was funny… she clicked on a piece which opened in a pop-up window. She didn’t know how to get back to the webpage. Then she tries to talk down to me and say, “How am I supposed to get back to your site?” as she tries to refresh the pop-up window. Side note: The only thing worse than being talked down to is when a stupid person talks down to you, cause when you try to point out that they’re stupid, they’re too clueless to get it.

“You don’t need to ‘get back’ because it’s still there. Close the pop-up. (DUH!) Have you been to this site before?”

“Uhm, yes I have.”

(Mmhmm, sure you have.)

After stumbling her way to one of my print samples, she stops and says, “Well, you can see why it would’ve helped if you had brought some print samples.”

(Oh my god. You’re not kidding, I can see why.)

“And… I really don’t know what else to say… (more awkward silence) Do you have any questions for me?”

“No.” (Yes. How the heck did YOU get this job?!”)

“Well, seeing as we need someone with more experience, it doesn’t make any sense to continue.”

(Thank you. Can I go now?)

“I’ll keep your resume incase we have any openings for a junior designer.”

(Like heck I’m coming back.)

“I’ll show you to the door.”

So this whole time I’m just dumb-founded. I have no idea what to say to this person who clearly did NOT prepare for this interview. Usually, when you interview, the interviewer has a copy of your res and cover letter out on his/her desk with notes as to what interested him/her about you, questions to ask, etc. She had no questions, nothing about anything. This whole interview depended on whether I had prints to show which makes it obvious to me that it didn’t matter about that at all. She was totally winging it. At least make it look like I didn’t waste my time coming out here. Ask the obvious questions about my previous jobs, what I liked, what I disliked, how I work in a team, etc. I mean, come on. You don’t even have to be imaginative about that. Those are the default questions and they couldn’t seem to come to her head. Oh, and she even said, more like thinking out loud as she scanned my res, “Well, I must’ve called you out here for a reason. Let’s see here…”

In addition to all this, don’t forget that it’s all the way out in Lynn. So I had to take a bus back to Central Sq. that took like 45 minutes to come. A couple buses passed that were out of service. The one I got on was loaded with loud middle school students coming back from some trip. The driver said it was all for the students but he’d do me a favor and give me a ride back. I get dropped off at Central Sq. to wait another 45+ minutes for the commuter rail to come to take me back to Boston so I can come to the lab and vent on the LJ.

The only good thing today was that it was warm. A rain storm would’ve capped off my day. Maybe next time.