I haven’t been on here much lately, but I feel the need to rant about greeting cards.

This is one of those everyone’s-graduating/marrying/spawning-and-I’m-rapidly-giving-away-money-and-investing-in-nothing years. I digress, though, as that’s not the point of this rant.

There are some people I’m obligated to give to. Oh, I don’t mind, and I DO like them. And I WANT to give them something. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t. But I’m not really down with them like a good friend. (Graduates this year are young enough to be my kids.) So in my effort to put zero effort into gift giving this year, I’m going with money. Or gift cards because I never have cash on me.

“These things need to go in greeting cards,” says social protocol. At Target today, there’s this little (and I swear it used to be bigger) section for graduation cards, and they’re all terrible. I can’t see myself giving any of them. They’re either flowery with a little sentimental poem, or cartoony with corny dad jokes. And I’m not down enough with the recipients of the cards to give them one that I would give to a friend with like a dude dropping his pants and mooning you or something. What ever happened to that cheap row at the bottom for 99 cents with a quick line drawing on the front and blank inside? The cheapest card I could find which was really ugly and would look completely like the card giver doesn’t care at all, was like $3.50. Anything decent that visually says, “I do sorta care,” was like $5-ish. If I’m dropping a chunk of cash on you, I’m not dropping more on a card that doesn’t say what I want and you’re probably going to throw away anyway.

So my question is: Would it be tacky to say, “Congratulations on your wedding/graduation/spawn,” and hand them a #10 envelope with a check in it? Kinda like I’m paying my rent. The money’s there. The obligation’s fulfilled. I for one would be thrilled to receive an envelope with money in it. No greeting needed.