Whatever doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger.
I’m exhausted. But I’m reluctant to go to sleep as I have been having the most freakish dreams lately. They’re not even the kind where I wake up in a cold sweat all scared and stuff. They’re the kind I don’t recall until later in the day and then I freak out at the fact that I dream of these things. I wrote about last night’s series of oddities in my paper journal which I will copy onto here later on when I have more time ’cause it is pages long.
The other complaint I have is that ASL is driving me nuts. I’m at the point where I understand words like nouns and stuff like “cat” and “dog,” but stuff like prepositions and verbs all don’t make sense to me. My grammar is terrible. Some sentences you’re supposed to turn upside-down to make sense and yet others you’re not. I don’t know where the exceptions to the rules apply. There’s like one sign for a dozen different words and people manage to make a distinction between each one, but when I do it, I can’t seem to display that distinction. Rant rant rant yadda yadda yadda.
So I ranted to Melanie about all this tonight. I came to the same conclusion that I always do after ranting to myself. I can’t turn back now. I think even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I’m in that stuck phase where my English sucks almost as much as my signing. I can’t comment in English anymore without flailing my hands and unconjugating my verbs. My WT library consists of tons of videos and DVDs now. My study habits are different.
Melanie said that when you join ASL, it’s like you’re a missionary except without the “glamour” if you wanna call it that, or should I say recognition. I told her I knew it was very much a commitment, and I knew when I started it there was really no turning back, at least for me anyway. That’s why it took me nearly two years to make up my mind to join. I really didn’t want the commitment.
The other thing she said was that you have to deal with getting somewhat less encouragement than in a normal hall. I never thought of that, but it’s true. You’re joining to encourage others. If you come into it hoping to be encouraged, then you’re gonna be disappointed.
It’s annoying because people have complaints and are leaving because of some of these things and I don’t really know what to say in return. My reasoning is just that I don’t want to kill myself learning something new just to quit.
So there’s my rant. I’m still in ASL, but other people may not be for long which is frustrating, but we’ll see what happens.