Greetings.

I haven’t been on here much lately, but I feel the need to rant about greeting cards.

This is one of those everyone’s-graduating/marrying/spawning-and-I’m-rapidly-giving-away-money-and-investing-in-nothing years. I digress, though, as that’s not the point of this rant.

There are some people I’m obligated to give to. Oh, I don’t mind, and I DO like them. And I WANT to give them something. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t. But I’m not really down with them like a good friend. (Graduates this year are young enough to be my kids.) So in my effort to put zero effort into gift giving this year, I’m going with money. Or gift cards because I never have cash on me.

“These things need to go in greeting cards,” says social protocol. At Target today, there’s this little (and I swear it used to be bigger) section for graduation cards, and they’re all terrible. I can’t see myself giving any of them. They’re either flowery with a little sentimental poem, or cartoony with corny dad jokes. And I’m not down enough with the recipients of the cards to give them one that I would give to a friend with like a dude dropping his pants and mooning you or something. What ever happened to that cheap row at the bottom for 99 cents with a quick line drawing on the front and blank inside? The cheapest card I could find which was really ugly and would look completely like the card giver doesn’t care at all, was like $3.50. Anything decent that visually says, “I do sorta care,” was like $5-ish. If I’m dropping a chunk of cash on you, I’m not dropping more on a card that doesn’t say what I want and you’re probably going to throw away anyway.

So my question is: Would it be tacky to say, “Congratulations on your wedding/graduation/spawn,” and hand them a #10 envelope with a check in it? Kinda like I’m paying my rent. The money’s there. The obligation’s fulfilled. I for one would be thrilled to receive an envelope with money in it. No greeting needed.

Pee-Wee’s magic word of the day

So today I added a word to my vocabulary. “Episiotomy.” What does it mean? It’s when a woman is giving birth and the baby doesn’t fit out, the doctors cut a larger hole down to your anus, in short, tearing you a new A.

Maybe I’ve led a sheltered life, but I’ve NEVER heard of this before, let alone that there’s a name for it. I’ve heard of some pretty horrific things about birth but never this. Today, some people were talking about it at work and I just listened in disgust.

Why would anyone want to put themselves thru this. God-forbid I ever fell on my head and suffered permanent amnesia and suddenly wanted a kid, I’d totally go in the C-section direction, ’cause it’s rhymey for one thing. But also because it’s pretty much predictable, you know how long approximately you’re delivering for as opposed to 12+ hours maybe of labor, less after effects, and now, no episiotomy.

I hear it’s 6 of one, half dozen of the other. Yes, with a C-section you have the pain of operation recovery and a huge cut across your stomach, but if chances are you get cut either way, I’d rather have the cut on my stomach where I can treat it easier than it being where the sun don’t shine and effecting my natural bodily functions. I also heard that when they rip your butt open, they don’t even give you a colostomy bag to do your business while you heal. You have to subject the incision to passing crap. Doesn’t that sound healthy? And then you have to deal with the hemerrhoids that normally come after natural child birth.

How ’bout no to all of that. After all, one has to keep one’s butt in tact incase one wants to become a spy someday.